I love how you called me from the hospital when having trouble sleeping and we talked for a little bit. You were sorry for waking me, if I was asleep, and I told you how good it was to hear your voice and to call me anytime. Before hanging up I verified your order from the donut shop and you laughed, saying ‘same as usual’. I said I would see you in a few hours and we were glad of that.

In the nine months your body suffered such hardship but your optimism in a good outcome never wavered. I know when I walked into your hospital room and saw you smile any feeling of melancholy I had evaporated. Whenever you had to leave your room for a scan or a scope the staff in charge of your transport wheeled you back into the room with a smile on their face and I know you said a thing or two that cracked them up. The humor gave such hope and not just me.

I try to avoid the thought but after eight months of Grief I sometimes wish I wasn’t alone in your passing.

I imagine you knowing and doing everything you can to comfort me because you know when you die I will be a complete wreck!

We have time to comprehend and talk about what is happening to us and you saying ‘wait a minute, what is this “us” thing; I’m the one dying here.’ And I say ‘well I have the grief’ and you say ‘wanna swap’ and we cry.

I ask you for thoughts you would never want me to forget and you share them over the course of time we have together and I write them down to be treasured till the day I die.

It wasn’t to be and I realize how selfish of me and no amount of solace would be worth the anxiety of you knowing your time is short.

So my love thank you for leaving unawares and understand that no final words could measure up to the memory of our love and that is how I’m surviving.

Love To You All