I remember the one or two times we talked about dying and who would go first, (like we had a say in the matter).

Thoughts A Jumble

I go first-you grieve-you go first-I grieve-is it better-to have passed on and have your love grieve or to grieve over the passing of your love-if we did have a say in the matter how do you ask grief of your love and yet how do you not in that you have to be alive to grieve and I would want Bette alive to grieve no matter how brutal the journey.

Guideposts

You’re waking up now and I know Grief has you in its locked arms and Love I so wish it were my arms instead.

Give yourself time. Let the tears flow. Try not tender a gaze too long; it will only make it that much harder.

You have to start thinking about having a bite to eat, for me at least, the hungry one of us two.

Take a shower don’t take a shower that’s entirely up to you sweetheart. I know your energy level is low.

How long are you going to stare into that bowl of cereal; moving the flakes around without eating them… Thank you; don’t need you fainting on me.

You have some good books on Grief, thanks to sister Pat and please read a little from some.

I honestly don’t know if I would be watching TV more or less or not at all.

I know I would sit a lot and remember or not remember.

Why not go for a drive. I know every park, diner, restaurant, store and bar within a three mile radius of our home has been frequented and yes the landscape is dotted with memory but take a small step-go for the nearest coffee, pull over and being gentle on yourself remember slowly, easing back when you have to.

I know you’re hungry. You hardly had any breakfast. Go ahead for God’s sake and stop for that sandwich. Remember Warren Zevon on David Letterman, shortly before he died, and how he sang the praises of a simple sandwich. We were touched by its life-affirming sentiment. Have some lunch my love. You have my permission to live as I had your permission to die.

I’m not sure about going home just yet; you do need a few items from the grocery store. Yes I know about the favorite foods and the aisles but we will work through this, right? For now just stay focused and no wandering. In time food will become less about sustainability and more about pleasure. Don’t question me on this. These are my Guideposts and I earned the right to demand attention by passing away. So There.

I wasn’t sure about General Hospital. We enjoyed watching it together and guessing the plot twists that take forever to turn. I’m not going to push that one or any of our other favorite TV shows.

When it comes to the Arts love; you again are on your own. The love and beauty emanating from a work of Art, touching our souls and taking us to a higher place always sanctified our love. I am There sweetheart; in that higher place and you can only imagine so take your time Love and when it is right I will be by your side and you will not be on your own; The Music, The Poetry, The Paintings, The Film and all manners of Artistic expression will embrace us once again.

A nap is not a bad idea. Not too long, though. Fits and starts during the night is to be avoided. And I’ll be sure to bribe the dream weaver; nothing disturbing will be coming your way.

Soup was a good idea and adding a serving each of peas and corn was smart; bulk it up. Next time have a slice of bread.

I agree, evening is a difficult time. You had the nap so going to bed early is not really an option. Book? TV? Sit and Stare remembering or not remembering ? Write?

A journal is worth thinking about. I remember telling you how good you are with words and if I go first it would be an honor to be looking over your shoulder as you humbly do your best to capture the journey you are on.

Yes sweetheart it is time to go to sleep. You can sleep in the living room if you like. Don’t be silly; I won’t mind. Okay it’s up to you; the bed is a good choice you certainly will be more comfortable and yes less change for the Girls the better. Please don’t take too long to wash the sheets. No more then a week. You got it, good. You know Tammy will be here soon and I know it breaks your heart but she needs to be near you and Enya I suspect will stay to herself which is the usual but maybe more. You remember when Tammy was a kitten and she nuzzled against my ear; then found my earlobe and started sucking. It went on for awhile with no damage to my ear; how strange and endearing we found that behavior.

I will make sure God blesses you for taking care of our Girls so well.

I hope the love and thoughts I left you are of some help. The phrase ‘I can’t imagine’ came to mind all the time I was writing and I knew for your sake I must try. I believe the words will be my hand helping you up when you fall, holding tight when darkness may beckon and a push to overcome that inertia. (You are out longer then usual. I hope you are okay. If you are home soon I will explain the eyes redness with allergies.)

Needless to say my one and only I pray and hope you don’t read this for a long time and by the way I’m going to nudge you in this direction also. I certainly can’t imagine grieving without some help from you. We’ll call it the gift from beyond.

How do you end something like this and I know I can go back to it unless God has other plans. We were fond of saying “I love you more” back and forth and then you’d cap it off by saying “I love you more times infinity”. Well this time I get to say it last and it is oh so TRUE.

I believe Guideposts could have been written by Bette and that is why I hired myself as her ghostwriter. I don’t think she will object and when all is said and done our hearts will forever be in the right place.

Love To You All