It is 10:00 pm Tuesday June 16. I just got back from the senior center, library and grocery store. I wanted to locate the senior center even though it was closed but close to the library so I didn’t go too far out of my way.

Talked with Gail, Bette’s friend of fifty years. She lives in Utah. I believe this was our third conversation since Bette passed into the Spirit world and Gail couldn’t be more supportive. I know Bette loves her for that. Gail’s heart is broken and we are there for each other.

Speaking of broken hearts I again remind my siblings (oldest to youngest) Brian, Keven, Pat, Karen and Stephen-their families and Bette’s brother-in-law Zen and 1st cousin Brian and his wife Pat -how much your love and support has and does mean to Bette and I.

Beloved folks I am not crazy. Last week I turned the heat switch off on the thermostat. Last night it got cold and at 4:30 am I awoke to the heat being on. The only way it could come on is the manual moving of the switch to the on position. I say no more.

I now wonder if she did it more for the ‘girls’ or me. I suspect the ‘girls’.

Love you all

Sunday afternoon 1 pm. I been up a few hours and not doing well.

Eastern thought talks about ‘Mindfulness’ and Bette and I talked about it being  a good thing but sometimes difficult to consistently embrace. I tell her now that I have no choice in the matter and she is in my thoughts every minute of every day.

I don’t know how I made it to June 14 and I don’t mean the alternative was dying; what I mean is my mind is still with Bette on her Death bed and the thoughts of our lives together. I am mindful of all we meant to each other.

The corporeal me is doing everything, I guess, it’s supposed to do: cry, no or little appetite, knot in stomach, ‘flush’ feeling in chest, anxiety, headaches, lethargy, fear.

The spiritual me is demanding answers not to be had and the little boy in me finds that unacceptable.

It is 6:20 pm and I going out for a drive and a coffee.

Love you all

I am pinned. Every square inch of my body is flush with the mat. There is no letting up with my opponent, it is steadfast in it’s pressure. Any visual entreaty on my part to let up a little is met with a numbing stare. Its mind penetrates mine and I am helpless in deflecting the thoughts and emotions of suicide, depression, unfathomable hurt and a lethargy that would defy any sedative to compete.

My opponent is Grief.

I am meeting with Social Security on Monday and they need Bette’s Death Certificate. Today is Friday June 12 2015 and I went to Vital Records in Hartford CT to obtain Bette’s Death Certificate.

For some strange reason the woman behind the vital records counter asked if I was there for a birth certificate and I wondered why she assumed that rather than asking how she could help me. I told her no and that I was there for a Death Certificate. She said she was sorry for my loss and came back with two copies of Bette’s Death Certificate. I only asked for one. She said I only had to pay for one and again said she was sorry for my loss.

Why did she give me two?  I had no idea.

Holding Bette’s Death Certificate in my hand was so painful but I felt Bette’s presence and knew she would have it no other way and I would have it no other way—together to the very end!

I will take the extra Death Certificate and cross out Death and replace it with Birth. I believe Bette’s entrance into the Spirit World is ordained a Birth and a glorious new life is hers.

Just don’t forget me babe!

Love you all.

I have to say at the outset that the signs from Bette are comforting but they seem to be having difficulty penetrating the core of my grief. I certainly don’t want to disappoint her and she must not stop sending them but she would want me to be honest and the simple truth is I miss her terribly and there is no helping that.

I went to the store yesterday for cat food and bread. The loaf in the refrigerator got mold and –Oh Bette is so mad– but she knows I have had no appetite since her entering the Spirit World.

Considering the love of songs Bette and I shared whenever I get into the car I hit the ‘seek’ button on the radio and listen for a song she would like me to hear. Sure enough, on the way home yesterday the song “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys was found in seconds. On first hearing Bette loved that song.

Love you all

***