I meet with others who are experiencing grief and there is no place I’d rather be or not be.

I think of us being in a ocean with no boats or land to been seen and not one life jacket amongst us; only each other.

We clasp hands and buoy one another up and if we feel a downward motion, the one is found and we reach up toward the arm for a firmer grasp.

I must confess I am not taking full responsibility for my life. I have given some of that over to Bette since her passing. I will not judge myself on that score and just let things be.

Russell Library is a place I go to for a change of scenery and the occasional DVD. The books hold little interest other than the ones dealing with grief. I have no desire to read a novel but Bette felt otherwise.

The collection of new DVDs happen to be near the shelves of new fiction which I have ignored the past several months except the other day. I turned toward the shelving with front covers displayed and “Nora Webster” by Colm Toibin was right there in my line of vision. The author and his novel were new to me.

I read the inside jacket -Nora Webster recently widowed lost the love of her life- I just stood there.

Eventually I checked the book out of the library and I am reading it. I must quote a sentence; “It was as though she lived underwater and had given up on the struggle to swim towards air.” That is page 86 of 373 pages and I hope things get better for Nora. I wanted to let you know about that.

When I’m around people that have a good idea of what I am going through I feel so much being said without words as if our loved one who has passed into the spirit world is the translator of the silence.

The ocean’s rhythm is gentle and I imagine out of respect for the rough waters surrounding our hearts.

The departure of a member is to be expected and we only hope and pray God’s grace is with the person.

And then comes the inevitable splash giving rise to the compassionate wave of hands to let the person know they are not alone and to share their grief with us.

I will say it is terrific to have a member be called away to swim toward land only the person and departed loved one can see where they will walk the earth and not have solid ground give way beneath them but rather support them on the journey to reconciliation with death.

The person will find the strength to engage life and treasure the joy of a sparrow chirping. And speaking of a sparrow don’t mind my remembering Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

“…There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come-the readiness is all…”

The readiness is where I faltered. But that won’t be the case when it’s my turn.

I will be so ready to be found by you dear Bette and reunite!

We will be in a Place of Eternal Life where grief doesn’t hold water.

Love to you all

There is no doubt in my mind that you are at the top of your class.  

I love letting my mind wander and imagine you flying all through heaven to visit the souls we here on earth consider departed. 

How marvelous to think of you chatting away with the singers and songwriters you met through your transistor radio and grew up with. Oh to be a fly on the cloud. 

I suspect communicating is like whispers of thought tracing arcs through the air on ribbons of light and love.  

Pray for me dear heart and considering you are a lot closer–from your lips to God’s ear–ask for a little more saving grace cause I’m having some real hurting times down here. 

In the mean time I know the missing will be less each day I get older and closer. 

One more thing sweet Bette; I suspect soon a bell will ring, congratulations will be in order and on that day let my cheek feel a wisp of the wonderful air made free by your delicate wings.

Love to you all

Monday July 27 2015

My wife Bette had been ill for the past year. The hospitalizations totaled three with the first two followed by a couple weeks of physical therapy. The third was her last. Bette put up quite the fight. I’m proud, numb and grief stricken; to think she would not say goodbye to me without undergoing multiple organ failure. Bette’s spirit left with praise for her body’s 64 years of outstanding service. She was conscious to nearly the very last.

I was with her when she left her world, my world, our world and found her place in the spiritual realm. I must admit one of the dominant thoughts in my mind was her consistently saying over the past year “I’m not going anywhere; I’ll forever be the bane of your existence.” I believed her. Love’s fool was I.

We met in our late forties and the past 17 years have been a time of love, laughter and the occasional piss off. I moved to the apartment complex where she was already living, unbeknownst to me, and destiny took care of the rest.

The interests shared broadened each of our horizons. Her love of Doo Wop and Motown and my love of Classical and Musicals made for an evening of varied music that had us touting the richness of each piece chosen. Bette’s love of travel was contagious and our road trip to Miami sealed our bond forever. My interest in crime novels is thanks to her and I’m sure to start reading one of her favorites sometime soon.

We didn’t want to face the seriousness of Bette’s illness. We left that to the health care people. Our job was to remain hopeful, keep anxiety levels minimal and depression at bay. We didn’t talk about dying. Optimism ruled the day. Having more time together was the only option.

We dealt with the few close calls by my searching the hospital room; closets, drawers, under the bed and coming back to Bette, all smiles, “no ticket to be punched.” I believe the thought of dying was in her mind but wanting to protect me was paramount and Bette didn’t broach it.

In the end Bette did not keep death waiting; it came fast. She lost consciousness and passed away a day later. Bette threw in the towel and rightly so; why sustain a few more punches when the judge has already decided.

I miss her and struggle with being alone. The mornings are tough. I am retired so I don’t have to be at work and getting out of bed just to eat holds minimal appeal. When I get up there is no anticipation of engaging in anything meaningful. The only thing that occurs to me is to go hungry for a day or two and maybe a one-time favorite sandwich, tuna melt, will beckon. Bette loved that I took the top layer of bread off the sandwich and cut into it as one would an open faced. She also always gave me her dill pickle; what a sweetheart.

I will admit to coming up with a goal while sitting on the chair and looking at the urn on the mantle; read as much as I can about grief.

The understanding of grief as an emotion shared by all brings little comfort like knowing we are all going to die hardly makes a difference when contemplating one’s mortality. I stand alone amongst a world of millions.

Grief has invaded every molecule of my body. Any joie de vivre is gone. Reading about grief may be akin to finding the enemy’s war plans and discovering their strategy for taking you down.

When I momentarily forget and think of sharing something with Bette the forgetting becomes a sledgehammer and the once solid edifice of self crumbles under the blow.

I do believe I’m living a dual existence. The one life is about Bette and all memory of her. The other life is the loss of Bette and the black hole created with attending defeat in the game of life.

When Bette and I first met I would tease with ‘get to know me and I will tell you the meaning of life’-she laughed saying she loved the mystery of that. Over the years especially after a drink she would say ‘oh by the way regarding the meaning of life I’m still waiting.’ The running gag is now over and the perilous thought of Bette’s corporeal passing rendering the punchline worthless scares the hell out of me.

I don’t go out much and a good part of that is not wanting to be alone in the car.

Bette and I bought the car together before our road trip to Miami.

When going away on a three day weekend which we did often I would compile a list of esoteric subjects and after a few miles into the trip I would place the list in her waiting hand with the accompanying “Ah my captive audience is learning.” We laughed.

At this time I’m in the car. I have the ‘girl’s’ food on the back seat. The ‘girls’ are felines; beloved Enya and Tammy. I didn’t have to get much for myself, a half-gallon of milk and some cans of soup.

I haven’t got out of the car yet. It’s as if I am waiting for something which I’m not. Through the front windshield I look at the few trees that Bette and I could also see from our kitchen window.

“Honey do you believe there are a few leaves starting to turn and it’s only late July.”

“I know sweetheart-we have to report this-who do we report this to Bette?”

“I don’t know-aren’t you the guy who knows the meaning of life-you should have some idea of who to contact.”

“Okay I’ll make a call-it’s out of service.”

“Who’d you call?”

“God”

“Well there must be some mistake.”

“Of course”

“We’ll try again later”

Love to you all

Thursday July 23 2015

What the hell am I here for-I mean really!

My beloved Bette-the woman I have loved since meeting-is no longer with me-I think of her in the Spirit world but right there implies separation-the Spirit world has chosen to avoid a direct line of communication from our dear departed to us mortals- I think about mediums-I think about dreams-I think I have observed signs-I think-I think-I think-I want to feel! I want to feel her face in my hands-I want to feel her hand in mine-I want to feel her warm embrace!

I’ve heard it’s best not to live for another person for all kinds of obvious and maybe not so obvious reasons but  how do you live without the person you love!

There are people in my life that love me and I them and when I say – what the hell am I here for -I mean really – I know I am being selfish, to put it mildly.

When Dark Matter enters the arena little else matters.

For Bette’s sake and mine (for we all know taking one’s life is no easy matter) I will humbly be grateful for the preciousness of life and pray for the weight of grief to become a little lighter.

Love to you all

Friday June 26 2015 9:20pm

When I awake at 4 in the morning do I try to fall back to sleep, now that you’re absent.

When I look out the window from the bed do I wait for a change of view before I get up, now that you’re absent.

When our beloved felines Enya and Tammy come into our room and jump on the bed should I greet them the same as always, now that you’re absent.

When I put the toothbrush to my teeth do I follow the same routine, now that you’re absent.

When I brew the coffee do I make four cups as always, now that you’re absent.

When I go to the store should I find another way to get there, now that you’re absent.

When I take an afternoon nap should it be longer, now that you’re absent.

When I work on our story at the computer should I sit awhile longer, now that you’re absent.

When I’m in the kitchen and the dishwasher is almost full should I run it anyway, now that you’re absent.

When I sit in the living room and face the television should I turn it off, now that you’re absent.

When it is time to go to bed should I pick up the book and continue to read where you left off, now that you’re absent.

When I, Enya and Tammy yawn our last for the day should we wait for the eternal to serenade us to sleep, now that you’re absent.

Love you all

Sunday June 21 2015 10:00 pm

Between yesterday and today I talked with family and Bette’s friend Donna. It helps.

When I came out of Stop & Shop and walking towards the car I was stunned by the sky—a large luminous white cumulus cloud set against a dark gray sky. I stood there for 10 minutes wishing each second Bette was with me to admire the beautiful sky.

Now I know what you are thinking dear reader; that I believe Bette is behind the sky. Well no that didn’t occur to me but what did occur to me is the fact that Bette was the ‘go to’ person in her career and I’m sure God recognized that right away and if He needed some assistance in bringing about that sky I know who He would go to!

What I’m about to write popped into my head earlier today and I don’t think Bette would mind the sharing of it. In Bette’s adult years she was a huge fan of “Miami Vice” (1984-1990) and that would put her at ages 33 to 39. Over the years when we still had the VCR she would take out a tape and find the ‘good’ episodes for me. I would tease and say I thought they were all good to which she confessed that was true but the episodes where the dominant story line had to do with Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson) were the best ones. At times she would speak the dialog along with Sonny or Tubbs  and I sat there in amazement.

BIG IF.  If Don Johnson were to become aware of this journal and read and comment on the above paragraph I don’t mind saying Bette would be tickled pink and I’m sure Donna, Gail and other friends would attest to that.

Of all the things I want to remember about Bette one for now stands out from the rest but I know their are and will be many others—Bette had the wonderful ability to ‘get things done’ I on the other hand procrastinate and I know the motivation for Bette was to get it done, especially if it was a chore, and enjoy life—lets get this thing taken care of so we can go out and enjoy a nice dinner or movie or day at the beach or drive the back roads etc. I loved her for that!

Good night dear heart and don’t rush God–let Him move at His own pace.

Love you all

Sunday June 21 2015 10:00 am

It is hard to put Bette’s corporeal end days in a corner of my mind and go to it if I need to though why would I want to do that when it hurts so much. Now it comes to mind without rhyme or reason and takes me down for the count.

During Bette’s last hospitalization her body tried so hard to overcome what was to become the inevitable and she will for ever be an inspiration to me and I hope others. Her primary doctor said to me about a week after Bette passed into the Spirit World, she easily could have succumb during her first hospitalization of nine months ago.

Since her Melanoma diagnosis of several years ago and then followed the need for a heart defibrillator  Bette had been dealing with fear, anxiety and depression. Without a doubt we were happy to have the Melanoma diagnosed early and the surgery was successful and happy to have the defibrillator as an ‘insurance policy’. In spite of the odds seemingly in our favor some days the horizon was not as far off in the distance as we would want it to be.

I wonder sometimes where she got the strength to take on the battles that started August 27 2014.

To be honest the idea of dying never occurred to Bette.

Bette’s last corporeal three weeks, she may have known something was ‘up’ but before her consciousness succumbed to her body’s decline she did not bring up death. We remained positive and prayed.

I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. There had been a couple close calls in the past nine months and why not another one. Why not another one!

I cry and know I have to stop writing for now but one last and very important behavior of Bettes’.

Every person; cleaning services ,food services, physical therapy, respiratory,  phlebotomist, radiology, personal care assistant, nurse, doctor—they all, every day, got a smile from Bette.

Often she would say to the health care team “You do what you have to do to get me better”

I can’t wait to see Bette and tell her again how incredibly proud I was of her and how inspired by her will to live!

But of course she knows now.

Love you all

The last film Bette and I watched together before being admitted to hospital was a Nicholas Sparks movie and if she had known she couldn’t have planned it better. Bette loves and loved anything having to do with romance.     (Jesus, that hurts)

As C.S. Lewis said in “A Grief Observed” a memory is like a “red-hot jab”

John says ‘it hurts when I think that; what can I do?’

Bette says ‘stop thinking that.’

Shortly after we purchased the Saturn Bette and I decided to take a road trip to Miami Florida – early 2000’s. As Bette said and or sung numerous times on the way down “Going to Miami!” We talked about the trip being a deal breaker with regard to our relationship and needless to say everything went well and we had the best time. We got a kick out of South Beach and Bette found it cool to be walking by some famous clothes designer’s house. She knew who it was but now I don’t remember.

It is really hard writing today—I just don’t want to believe our time on earth is over, at least for now. I miss her so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all

Thursday 10 pm. 6/18

I went to bed Tues. night and got out of bed Thurs. morning. I swore I heard Bette say “enough of that” and I got up and going. I trimmed the beard. I took out the garbage. I went to the library and read a short story by Raymond Carver. In the past I introduced his writing to Bette and she liked him. A number of years ago I bought a book of his and suggested it as a gift for Bette’s niece Katie, Bette liked the idea.

Today I realized that I missed naming Michael W. in yesterday’s post as a significant person in Bette’s life and one who has been supportive to me.

Michael W. had a relationship with my Uncle Bill, in the seventies, for a number of years. Several years ago I contacted Michael and we been in touch ever since.

Bette and Michael W. have communicated via Facebook and phone. The friendship and love that developed between them is a testament to their respective judge of good character. Bette would click on ‘Like’ to Michael’s numerous posts and Michael would send private messages when he wanted to elaborate on something for Bette. Bette appreciated that.  Michael was Bette’s Shaman. He sent a great deal of positive energy during the past 9 months while Bette was ill. We were hoping to go down to Florida this summer and visit with Michael. It would have been the first time Bette and Michael ever met.

Though I have a strong feeling they have met in a previous life.

Love you all.