It is closed.

There is no lock.

I am accompanied by history and the past acknowledges its presence.

Another day.

I am accompanied by curiosity and not let that get the better of me.

Another day.

I am accompanied by impulse and know that would be an insult to Bette and everyone I hold dear.

Another  day.

I am accompanied by measured thought and gratefully the distance is too great.

Another day.

I am accompanied by despair and palm wet with tears would fail to open.

Another day.

I am accompanied by faith and pray it gain in strength.

Another day.

I am accompanied by Grief. The desire to open the door is overwhelming. I don’t feel any constraint. The moment is quiet. I look around. I am alone.

I say, “After all this time.”

Grief says, “What do you want from me? We sit side by side; you hardly talk. You are not taking care of yourself. You can’t deny you don’t think about it.”

I say, “Yeah but it wouldn’t be right; you know that.”

Grief says, “Yes, of course. The thing is it can happen by default and that shouldn’t be. You know all this; why do I have to say it.”

I say, “You don’t and I’m sorry you did. I’ll go now.”

Love says, “Why leave now? I can open the door.”

I say, “What happened to Grief ?”

Love says, “She is here. We are one.”

I say, ” Yes, please open the door.”

I step over the threshold. The ground is solid. No falling into an abyss. It is starless, moonless dark. I’m unwilling to move further. No, I am scared to move. Time has abandoned me. I feel something in the palm of my hand. I gently close my fingers around it and know it is paper. I reach back for the frame and step out of the dark. I unfold the paper.

Dearest John

What the heck are you doing? We’ve been through this. Your time has not yet come. Let it be of no consequence that mine has. I should rephrase that. Grief is the consequence and should know better than to bring you this close to the door. That pitch black is there for a reason and thank you know Who. It does give one pause literally and figuratively. Take comfort in knowing you have the best of both worlds-me in one and you in the other. Why disturb the arrangement? It is temporary enough. You leave me no choice but to quote an excerpt from a story you wrote five years ago. I remember saying “How sad; but damn I like it.” And you know I wasn’t one for melancholy writing. So here it is, love and oddly it involves a piece of paper.

My Dearest,

I suspect we are alone and the wake is over. Are you afraid? Are you drunk? Are you thinking of killing yourself? I knew I had to write this, my love. I wrote it a couple months ago and involved Sean in the clandestine operation. We all three know what a thick headed Irishman you are and nothing short of this letter might prevent an unwise decision.

During a visit I had with Sean we talked of you and how you would get on after my passing. He expressed real concern that you might feel suicide was the only option, oblivious to all others. I wasn’t as concerned but took his very seriously. I thought of a letter and leaving it for you with Sean’s help. I knew you would take my hand one last time and you would discover the paper.

You remember the stories of my cheerleading and my feeling of oneness with the team and fans? Dear Leo let me be your cheerleader and inspire you to ‘get game’.

Even if all you are doing now are the motions, eventually meaning will be acquired. I want you to give yourself that chance. I know what your future holds, we talked about it. And though we saw ahead with the two of us there, I ask you to be there for me.

I have another mission for you, Leo, and I insist you carry it out. I want you to take a leave of absence from work for the next few months. Take the insurance money and run. I know you wouldn’t let me talk about this earlier but I’m saying it now. Do some of the things we talked about doing together. Go to Europe and pay our respects to the artists that have had such an influence on us and cap off some evenings with a pint or two; raising a glass to the two of us.

All the profoundness of my being insists on your staying alive. I loved all the time we had together. I loved discovering your face and its’ lines, your eyes and their irrepressible steadfastness. Your voice is comfort. Your ability to connect with people is a skill to be treasured. Since the diagnosis my awareness of you has intensified and I believe my life will be diminished if, in my death, the world loses you.

As you know I have always tried to live life to the fullest. Remember how we talked about dying giving life meaning; well let’s hope my death leads you not astray. Let me quote Shakespeare and remind you death has no respect for a usurper.

“…there’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ‘tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves what is’t to leave betimes?”

Oh, my love; be ready when your time comes, but not a second before. This is not the time to let pain and sorrow dictate your actions. Tell the people you come to know and call friend of our love and let them come to know me. I want the young people in your life to know ‘us’. I want to live in you. To die once is enough.

I remain faithfully yours, my beloved Irishman

I Love You

Even the thought of losing Bette had me in Grief’s shadow.

Love To You All

 

The dream came in early Sunday morning.

Bette and I were in a kitchen with unfamiliar surroundings.

I felt drawn to her but hesitated briefly.

I didn’t want to let go again.

The dream was no longer mine.

Bette had come to say hello and bring a gift.

If we were on stage it would have gone dark save for the spotlight of a soft hue.

The feeling of being one with Bette was so strong I lost all sense of self.

Asked if I had a care in the world I would have said none and all because of her radiant smile.

Our tearful eyes locked

We ended our gaze with a kiss that generated warmth and a hint of God’s love; her gift to me.

I remember embracing her and the choice of letting go not ours.

Love To You All

“What do you mean she’s not here”

“Her time to leave came yesterday”

“So she was here?”

“Yes. And you are?”

“A dear friend. My name is Bill.”

“Hi Bill. My name is Angelica.”

“Glad to meet you. Should I hang around?”

“It will be a lifetime.”

“I see. Ah, that’s too bad. I mean my not being able to catch up with her. She’s good?”

“Of course. How do you know her, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“My nephew John’s wife.”

“She kept on about him. Checked in every day to see how he’s doing. He’s taking it very hard.”

“I’m not surprised. They had the real thing, you know what I mean?”

“I do. Wonderful to witness from up here. Gives us hope.”

“Not long after meeting Bette I told John If I wasn’t gay I’d win her over (kidding). He told me I would lose and he was right.”

“You weren’t that much older than John?”

“Seven years. He thought of me as his older brother.”

“And did you know Bette for a while?’

“I’d say sixteen years. I passed about a year before her. We met on Cape Cod, Yarmouth. My partner Joe and I had a cottage. When John introduced us he said ‘Uncle I have brought a fellow devotee of Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys.’ An hour later Bette and I were still talking. I loved that woman and for many reasons; bright, sensitive, great sense of humor and of course loving my nephew. Do you know where she is going?”

“A young Polish couple.”

“Oh, that’s cool; keeping the same nationality.”

“They thought so.”

“That reminds me. A few years ago I get a call from John and Bette asking me what I think about reincarnation. I tell them I’m on the fence. Bette says to brace myself for the fall to the ‘yes’ side. They tell me a couple weeks earlier they met their new neighbors, exchanged pleasantries and that was that. The call to me followed their going through old photos and realizing Bette’s Mom could be the new neighbor. Isn’t that something?”

“It is. It doesn’t happen often, the recognition I mean. They have Their reasons.”

“I’m sure They do.”

“Do you know how Bette felt about it?”

“I don’t. I think John or Bette would have told me if Bette talked to the woman. After the call that night there was no mention of it.”

“You been up here a while.”

“They told me I could observe and it has been good for me. Quite a few life lessons. I’m hoping to find my purpose earlier in the next life.”

“Noble quest.”

“Thank you. They told me when I find the angel I want watching over me to ask her and they would take it from there as far as arrangements. I would be honored.”

“As I am. Are you close to feeling ready for the next life?”

“I will be now that I’m in the arms of a sweet angel.”

“Quite the charmer.”

“Do you mind if we look in on Bette five years from now?”

“Any particular reason?”

“Call it a hunch.”

“I have to let Them know, Bill. It won’t take long.”

“I understand.”

“It will be like you are watching a play and are on the stage.”

“Okay.”

“I saw you guys out in the snow making that snowman and thought when you were done you’d like some hot chocolate and marshmallows.”

“Thanks Uncle John.”

“Your welcome Liz. And your snowman is wonderful. You and your Mom did a great job.”

“Thanks for stopping in Jean. I’ll be leaving soon and I wanted to say goodbye and tell you how much you, Liz and Eddie’s friendship has meant to me.”

“Where you going Uncle John?”

“I’m going to see an old friend”

“We will miss Uncle John, won’t we Liz?”

“Oh, yes. And will Enya and Tammy be going with you?”

“Yes and they will miss you too. A lot. Do you remember when you first met Enya and Tammy and how they came right up to you. I told you I was surprised because they are usually shy with new people but they loved you right away. “

“I remember. They both rubbed my legs. It tickled and then I petted them.”

“The purring was very loud.”

“It was. I don’t want you to go Uncle John.”

“I know Liz buy when you think of me it will be like I’m right  there. Will you remember that?”

“Okay.”

“Okay, good. I have something for you.”

“Oh, that’s the painting of the two cats named Bette and John.”

“That’s right. When you first saw it you said that was Bette and John. You really surprised me didn’t she Jean?

“Sure did and that was when we first met Uncle John.  Would you like us to visit?”

“Depending on how things are going, Jean. I will let you know.”

“Just know we treasure your friendship John and don’t hesitate to call if your comfortable with our visiting.”

“I won’t.”

“You going to see Bette, Uncle John?”

“No honey. Bette is in heaven, remember?”

“I know and when you think of her she is right there.”

“That’s right, like you are right here.”

“I am.”

“I’m so glad we met again, Liz.”

“Uncle John looks tired Liz. We’ll go home now so he can get some rest.”

“Okay Mommy.”

“Remember to think of me, Liz.”

“I will John-Boy.”

“I knew it.”

“Yes you did, Bill”

Love To You All

Gravity Latin gravitas (weight). Grief Latin gravis (heavy). They have a ‘weighing down’ in common. Gravity keeps us from wandering off, vertically speaking and Grief anchors us to our loss.

Grief has an integrity that is to be honored and respected. I live with it every day. I try to understand the power it holds and I fail. As Bette is beyond me so is the grief left behind.

Interest in the metaphysics of life has and is a serious pursuit. Since Bette taking up residence in the Spiritual realm it is now an obsession. I have a need to arrive at a greater understanding of loved one’s absences and how I live with tears in my soul.

When the vessel tears, the blood collects in a pool and so it is when our beloved is torn away from us the pool of love waits for their reflection.

As a dream fades when were not looking so it is with life.

Upon falling in love with Bette the architecture of my being was always open to renovation.

Upon Bette’s passing tears of grief have eroded banks of illusion.

If fear of dying keeps one alive what can be said for fear of living?

I believe God has chosen music to express His innermost thoughts. And never more so then at the time of Grief.

Bette gave me Teddy after seeing “A.I.Artificial Intelligence” in 2001 and placed him on the desk sitting with back against the wall by our computer. He has been there ever since and he won’t take his eyes off me.

Love To You All