I laugh at the absurdity and cry at the futility when I know the grief barricade will fall in no time at all yet because of the pain the feeble attempt is made.

So I give it a try anyways but God knows what I was thinking.

It begins early in the day when the possibility of shoring up defenses presents itself as a possibility because you’ve gone an hour without crying. The first bulwark is communication:

“How am I doing today Bette?”

“You’re doing well John”

“In the dream last night Bette you said you had a joke for me but never got around to telling me.”

“I remember we got interrupted and sorry I didn’t get back to you.”

“That’s okay honey. I’m sure there is a lot going on up there.”

“There truly is love and regarding that joke I have to say it’s less a joke and more something I heard that made me laugh a little.”

“The suspense is killing me.”

“Christopher Hitchens is continuing to declare himself an atheist.”

“Oh, that is funny.”

“It is, isn’t it. Now that was a tale told out of heaven so don’t tell a soul. I mean a body, souls are in my realm.”

“Okay sweetheart. mum’s the word. I love and miss you-bye for now.”

Rampart number two:

Resisting Bette’s absence has to count for something. You know in your heart of hearts she is not really gone. Her life continues in a higher realm. You are in a ball game and every time you’re up at bat which in the course of a day is quite a lot you hit that thought out of the stadium-the home runs provide comfort.

Redoubt number three: You move to do little things, fast and without thinking:

Load and run the dishwasher, get those clothes in the washer and run the damn thing, make a list for the store-go directly to the aisle-pick up the item- no thinking maybe it’s okay to go down that other aisle where you know half a dozen foods she liked are-no-no stay focused, no dally in the kitchen after you clean up-your head will only hit those folded arms on the table and then the bed welcomes you once again and you know you won’t sleep, play the music she didn’t care for and play it loud,

And whatever you do don’t go anywhere near the day Bette passed away because if you do all damn bets are off and defenses are down.

If I could put a face on Grief I believe there’d be a smile followed by a snicker and all because I thought there might be a shot of feeling less hurt for a moment or two.

Love To You All