When I step outside and get to the car I lean against the car. Anyone watching would think I’m waiting for someone or if they know me will think I’m waiting for Bette. I don’t know how long maybe a few minutes I open the car door and get in. I don’t start the car right away. I don’t have to go anywhere and when I do start the car I will have decided.

The grocery store is a safe bet. I will probably find the something I may need as I walk up and down the aisles. The first aisle I go to is the organic one and realize as I stand there leaning over the carriage bar that old habits die hard. What the hell am I doing here; I certainly don’t feel the need to extend my life.

I move on and look up with a smile toward Bette and imagine her frown as I fill the cart with anything containing a lot of calories and high amounts of saturated fat. Needless to say fiber is of no concern.

I then tell her I’m sorry and know way before the food could do any damage she would arrange for one of the dark angels to take me out. I am sure by this time (three months and fourteen days) Bette will have made connections everywhere.

I know walking faster is what some folk think I need to do because by moving along I will probably miss some of the food memories ‘and that’s okay because you have to move on’.

The entrance of that thought into my mind makes me angry and the thought of missing a memory no matter how painful brings me to a very sad place. I don’t want to be spared. I want any and all grief has to offer.

Moving on is overrated.

I know I will never forget Bette and that goes without saying but it is the NOW I want to preserve. I linger in the Now to maintain the immediacy of her loss.

I wonder if the lingering is my way of prolonging that slice of the pendulum blade; wanting the memory bleed to continue out of love and respect for what we had.

I understand that grief is a formidable opponent and there is nothing fair in its waiting behind the curtain for the right moment to cripple you. I have no choice but to withstand the assault and welcome it for it defines the wonderful love we had for each other, continue to have and the overwhelming loss.

The hands of time are held tight by grief and I don’t see them going beyond 1:05 AM May 23 2015.

Love to you all