Friday June 26 2015 9:20pm

When I awake at 4 in the morning do I try to fall back to sleep, now that you’re absent.

When I look out the window from the bed do I wait for a change of view before I get up, now that you’re absent.

When our beloved felines Enya and Tammy come into our room and jump on the bed should I greet them the same as always, now that you’re absent.

When I put the toothbrush to my teeth do I follow the same routine, now that you’re absent.

When I brew the coffee do I make four cups as always, now that you’re absent.

When I go to the store should I find another way to get there, now that you’re absent.

When I take an afternoon nap should it be longer, now that you’re absent.

When I work on our story at the computer should I sit awhile longer, now that you’re absent.

When I’m in the kitchen and the dishwasher is almost full should I run it anyway, now that you’re absent.

When I sit in the living room and face the television should I turn it off, now that you’re absent.

When it is time to go to bed should I pick up the book and continue to read where you left off, now that you’re absent.

When I, Enya and Tammy yawn our last for the day should we wait for the eternal to serenade us to sleep, now that you’re absent.

Love you all

Sunday June 21 2015 10:00 pm

Between yesterday and today I talked with family and Bette’s friend Donna. It helps.

When I came out of Stop & Shop and walking towards the car I was stunned by the sky—a large luminous white cumulus cloud set against a dark gray sky. I stood there for 10 minutes wishing each second Bette was with me to admire the beautiful sky.

Now I know what you are thinking dear reader; that I believe Bette is behind the sky. Well no that didn’t occur to me but what did occur to me is the fact that Bette was the ‘go to’ person in her career and I’m sure God recognized that right away and if He needed some assistance in bringing about that sky I know who He would go to!

What I’m about to write popped into my head earlier today and I don’t think Bette would mind the sharing of it. In Bette’s adult years she was a huge fan of “Miami Vice” (1984-1990) and that would put her at ages 33 to 39. Over the years when we still had the VCR she would take out a tape and find the ‘good’ episodes for me. I would tease and say I thought they were all good to which she confessed that was true but the episodes where the dominant story line had to do with Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson) were the best ones. At times she would speak the dialog along with Sonny or Tubbs  and I sat there in amazement.

BIG IF.  If Don Johnson were to become aware of this journal and read and comment on the above paragraph I don’t mind saying Bette would be tickled pink and I’m sure Donna, Gail and other friends would attest to that.

Of all the things I want to remember about Bette one for now stands out from the rest but I know their are and will be many others—Bette had the wonderful ability to ‘get things done’ I on the other hand procrastinate and I know the motivation for Bette was to get it done, especially if it was a chore, and enjoy life—lets get this thing taken care of so we can go out and enjoy a nice dinner or movie or day at the beach or drive the back roads etc. I loved her for that!

Good night dear heart and don’t rush God–let Him move at His own pace.

Love you all

Sunday June 21 2015 10:00 am

It is hard to put Bette’s corporeal end days in a corner of my mind and go to it if I need to though why would I want to do that when it hurts so much. Now it comes to mind without rhyme or reason and takes me down for the count.

During Bette’s last hospitalization her body tried so hard to overcome what was to become the inevitable and she will for ever be an inspiration to me and I hope others. Her primary doctor said to me about a week after Bette passed into the Spirit World, she easily could have succumb during her first hospitalization of nine months ago.

Since her Melanoma diagnosis of several years ago and then followed the need for a heart defibrillator  Bette had been dealing with fear, anxiety and depression. Without a doubt we were happy to have the Melanoma diagnosed early and the surgery was successful and happy to have the defibrillator as an ‘insurance policy’. In spite of the odds seemingly in our favor some days the horizon was not as far off in the distance as we would want it to be.

I wonder sometimes where she got the strength to take on the battles that started August 27 2014.

To be honest the idea of dying never occurred to Bette.

Bette’s last corporeal three weeks, she may have known something was ‘up’ but before her consciousness succumbed to her body’s decline she did not bring up death. We remained positive and prayed.

I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. There had been a couple close calls in the past nine months and why not another one. Why not another one!

I cry and know I have to stop writing for now but one last and very important behavior of Bettes’.

Every person; cleaning services ,food services, physical therapy, respiratory,  phlebotomist, radiology, personal care assistant, nurse, doctor—they all, every day, got a smile from Bette.

Often she would say to the health care team “You do what you have to do to get me better”

I can’t wait to see Bette and tell her again how incredibly proud I was of her and how inspired by her will to live!

But of course she knows now.

Love you all

The last film Bette and I watched together before being admitted to hospital was a Nicholas Sparks movie and if she had known she couldn’t have planned it better. Bette loves and loved anything having to do with romance.     (Jesus, that hurts)

As C.S. Lewis said in “A Grief Observed” a memory is like a “red-hot jab”

John says ‘it hurts when I think that; what can I do?’

Bette says ‘stop thinking that.’

Shortly after we purchased the Saturn Bette and I decided to take a road trip to Miami Florida – early 2000’s. As Bette said and or sung numerous times on the way down “Going to Miami!” We talked about the trip being a deal breaker with regard to our relationship and needless to say everything went well and we had the best time. We got a kick out of South Beach and Bette found it cool to be walking by some famous clothes designer’s house. She knew who it was but now I don’t remember.

It is really hard writing today—I just don’t want to believe our time on earth is over, at least for now. I miss her so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all

Thursday 10 pm. 6/18

I went to bed Tues. night and got out of bed Thurs. morning. I swore I heard Bette say “enough of that” and I got up and going. I trimmed the beard. I took out the garbage. I went to the library and read a short story by Raymond Carver. In the past I introduced his writing to Bette and she liked him. A number of years ago I bought a book of his and suggested it as a gift for Bette’s niece Katie, Bette liked the idea.

Today I realized that I missed naming Michael W. in yesterday’s post as a significant person in Bette’s life and one who has been supportive to me.

Michael W. had a relationship with my Uncle Bill, in the seventies, for a number of years. Several years ago I contacted Michael and we been in touch ever since.

Bette and Michael W. have communicated via Facebook and phone. The friendship and love that developed between them is a testament to their respective judge of good character. Bette would click on ‘Like’ to Michael’s numerous posts and Michael would send private messages when he wanted to elaborate on something for Bette. Bette appreciated that.  Michael was Bette’s Shaman. He sent a great deal of positive energy during the past 9 months while Bette was ill. We were hoping to go down to Florida this summer and visit with Michael. It would have been the first time Bette and Michael ever met.

Though I have a strong feeling they have met in a previous life.

Love you all.

It is 10:00 pm Tuesday June 16. I just got back from the senior center, library and grocery store. I wanted to locate the senior center even though it was closed but close to the library so I didn’t go too far out of my way.

Talked with Gail, Bette’s friend of fifty years. She lives in Utah. I believe this was our third conversation since Bette passed into the Spirit world and Gail couldn’t be more supportive. I know Bette loves her for that. Gail’s heart is broken and we are there for each other.

Speaking of broken hearts I again remind my siblings (oldest to youngest) Brian, Keven, Pat, Karen and Stephen-their families and Bette’s brother-in-law Zen and 1st cousin Brian and his wife Pat -how much your love and support has and does mean to Bette and I.

Beloved folks I am not crazy. Last week I turned the heat switch off on the thermostat. Last night it got cold and at 4:30 am I awoke to the heat being on. The only way it could come on is the manual moving of the switch to the on position. I say no more.

I now wonder if she did it more for the ‘girls’ or me. I suspect the ‘girls’.

Love you all

Sunday afternoon 1 pm. I been up a few hours and not doing well.

Eastern thought talks about ‘Mindfulness’ and Bette and I talked about it being  a good thing but sometimes difficult to consistently embrace. I tell her now that I have no choice in the matter and she is in my thoughts every minute of every day.

I don’t know how I made it to June 14 and I don’t mean the alternative was dying; what I mean is my mind is still with Bette on her Death bed and the thoughts of our lives together. I am mindful of all we meant to each other.

The corporeal me is doing everything, I guess, it’s supposed to do: cry, no or little appetite, knot in stomach, ‘flush’ feeling in chest, anxiety, headaches, lethargy, fear.

The spiritual me is demanding answers not to be had and the little boy in me finds that unacceptable.

It is 6:20 pm and I going out for a drive and a coffee.

Love you all

I am pinned. Every square inch of my body is flush with the mat. There is no letting up with my opponent, it is steadfast in it’s pressure. Any visual entreaty on my part to let up a little is met with a numbing stare. Its mind penetrates mine and I am helpless in deflecting the thoughts and emotions of suicide, depression, unfathomable hurt and a lethargy that would defy any sedative to compete.

My opponent is Grief.

I am meeting with Social Security on Monday and they need Bette’s Death Certificate. Today is Friday June 12 2015 and I went to Vital Records in Hartford CT to obtain Bette’s Death Certificate.

For some strange reason the woman behind the vital records counter asked if I was there for a birth certificate and I wondered why she assumed that rather than asking how she could help me. I told her no and that I was there for a Death Certificate. She said she was sorry for my loss and came back with two copies of Bette’s Death Certificate. I only asked for one. She said I only had to pay for one and again said she was sorry for my loss.

Why did she give me two?  I had no idea.

Holding Bette’s Death Certificate in my hand was so painful but I felt Bette’s presence and knew she would have it no other way and I would have it no other way—together to the very end!

I will take the extra Death Certificate and cross out Death and replace it with Birth. I believe Bette’s entrance into the Spirit World is ordained a Birth and a glorious new life is hers.

Just don’t forget me babe!

Love you all.

I have to say at the outset that the signs from Bette are comforting but they seem to be having difficulty penetrating the core of my grief. I certainly don’t want to disappoint her and she must not stop sending them but she would want me to be honest and the simple truth is I miss her terribly and there is no helping that.

I went to the store yesterday for cat food and bread. The loaf in the refrigerator got mold and –Oh Bette is so mad– but she knows I have had no appetite since her entering the Spirit World.

Considering the love of songs Bette and I shared whenever I get into the car I hit the ‘seek’ button on the radio and listen for a song she would like me to hear. Sure enough, on the way home yesterday the song “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys was found in seconds. On first hearing Bette loved that song.

Love you all

***